Written by Allegra Johnson, Mindful Education in Schools Assistant Director + CYT 200 + CYT 95
“At the heart of consensus building is conversation and the act of elevating all members' opinions for the sake of connection.” ~ Allegra Johnson
*This is the final post in a 4-part series on Nonviolent Communication:
Post 1 - What is Nonviolent Communication?
“I just like it the way it is.” These words rang in my head as I went to bed one ordinary fall night. My fists clenched with anger as I recalled the hour-long meeting that dragged on, all over a decision that could have been resolved in a minute—if only everyone had just agreed with me! But let me explain...
I was living in Seattle, Washington with six relative strangers as a part of a Jesuit Volunteer Corps year of service. My community mates and I had moved from all over the country to live a year dedicated to community, simple living, social and ecological justice, and spirituality/reflection. This manifested in serving at service sites and sharing all aspects of intentional, communal living: sharing a bank account, meals, chores, etc.
It was clear after just a couple of weeks of entering this community that being loving was more difficult the more you got to know someone. The more I learned and lived with my community mates, the more I saw the way they left hair in the sink, never pushed in their chairs, and would forget to lock the front door - the most heinous transgressions to a supposed-to-be peaceful community.
We were equipped with a shared understanding of nonviolent communication and consensus building. And without simplifying too much, these were the two most important things that built a foundation for connection and safety needed to cultivate lifelong, loving friendships with people so different from myself. In this post, I'll explore the topic of consensus building, share a technique you can practice, and provide a real-world example of how it works.
What is Consensus Building?
Consensus building is a defined process for building consensus with a dedicated group. Consensus sits opposite or separate from majority rules which prioritizes the quantity of votes over the quality of votes. This practice is one that I have taken with me to work, family, and friends. It is one that I am delighted to share with you, in hopes that it emboldens and empowers your relationships in vulnerable truth-telling.
At the heart of consensus building is conversation and the act of elevating all member's opinions for the sake of connection. Instead of “too bad”, “who cares”, or “tough luck”, it is “tell me more” “I hear you” and “let's find a way.” Consensus building says I want to move forward with you, not despite you, not without hearing you, not without knowing your thoughts, not without finding a decision we can all live and thrive with.
Consensus Building leans on the following beliefs:
For a decision to be passed, all people must consent.
The truth will lead to peace not conflict.
The best outcome (decision and after-effects) cannot come without honesty and truth-telling.
Building connections is instrumental in communal decision-making and is worth the time and effort to create consensus.
I can hold my opinions and another’s opinion with respect while not needing to agree with another’s opinion.
I believe in the humanity and innate worth of those whom I enter into a consensus building with.
The Fist to Five Consensus-Building Technique
In the Fist to Five consensus building, someone offers a solution or a process that they wish to enact that in some way affects all of the community stakeholders. Sometimes offering a Fist to Five takes place at the beginning of consensus building to gauge where people are. It is asked again to pass consensus. Other times people might want to learn more before providing their opinion. Consensus building and the Fist to Five method are all about creating space for people to have their opinions expressed and heard, even if things don’t go their way.
A fist would mean, "I do not agree, and I am blocking consensus." This means the proposal as it stands, I cannot stand with and something major needs to be adjusted.
A five would mean, I believe this is a great idea and is ideal.
A three or four means this is a fine or good idea, and often passes consensus without the need to share anything further, it might just not be the most ideal.
From there, a one or two would signal passing consensus, but not ideal, and often notes that the person wants to share something for the group to consider or has truth-telling that needs to happen for consensus to pass and peace to be maintained.
Instead of asking if anyone has thoughts, the Fist to Five says, "I trust that you have thoughts because this pertains to you and I want to hear from you." It also honors those who thrive with different communication styles (verbal and non-verbal). In my experience, the Fist to Five consensus-building technique allows space for conversation to flourish and connection to take root.
Consensus Building In Action
Circling back to my story, I had brought to the community that our front room was filled with things from previous years of Jesuit volunteers. There were pictures on the ground, board games, and movies all unorganized, and I wanted to be able to put some things in storage to clear the walkway. Because it would affect communal space, I asked for a fist to five, thinking I was doing everyone a favor.
One community mate gave a two, meaning he had something to share. What he shared was, “I just like it the way it is.” This began a long conversation where everyone shared their needs for order, organization, and cleanliness, and in some ways demanded him to change his opinion. We talked in circles, and while I was granted approval, I still left infuriated.
Upon reflection, we were using the consensus building method, but we did not build a connection. At the heart of consensus building is the desire to love and see fully the person in front of you while denying the part of you that wants to twist their image to fit your own. I was demanding my community mate to share my values of organization and, if I'm honest, control. It occurred to me that change and transition can be really uncomfortable for people, and perhaps that is what my community mate was communicating by passing consensus and having reservations.
After this reflection, consensus building got easier for me because the goal became not to make decisions but to build connections. We all grew in our ability to compromise, expect the best, and have discussions trusting that the best outcome would come from sharing, listening, and speaking with honesty and love.
So my hope for you is that you take courage and share this process in a space that you inhabit. Whether at work, at home, or with friends, how can you invite connection by building consensus?
Peace,
Allegra
Wellness in the Workplace
At Challenge to Change, Inc., we're driven by a profound belief: leaving the world better than we found it. Our Corporate Kindness Program embodies the core values of Truthfulness, Kindness, and Connection. Join us in cultivating emotionally intelligent teams dedicated to promoting safe, healthy, and supportive work environments.
If you’re interested in bringing this concept into practice within your workplace, our Wellness in the Workplace department has a variety of offerings, such as:
Keynotes and Lunch and Learns
Retreat Day Packages
Workplace Self-Care
Workplace Trainings
P.S. This blog post was inspired by my recent Masterclass on the topic. Check out our upcoming Masterclasses here.
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